Thursday, April 27, 2006
Halimah's Pathetic Insecurity
Okay so here goes all my dirty...well some of my...laundry out the bag. It’s insane how much of an effect a few words had on my life...well until now because I've made up a new story! Here goes my Pathetic Insecurity, this is so embarrassing but this is my healing.
My mom and her friends used to tease me about my big booty, and call me their only chocolate baby. I always thought I was perfect until they stirred up something in me that I had flaws. At that moment I began to believe there was something WRONG and different about me. I decided then that women were mean and vicious and didn't like me or my body. So naturally I began to be self conscious about my body, my beauty and of course hating my ass. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from the pain she had endured made it worse. As the years went on I got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is one of my greatest ASSets yes it needs a little toning but damn it’s gorgeous. Of course incidences in my life kept happening to re-affirm these beliefs. In kindergarten my classmate/close friend was so jealous because she thought I was prettier and smarter than her. To make it worse her father would always compare us and her why she didn't make as high grades as I did and wasn't as creative as I was. It hurt me so bad that I was the cause of her pain, I would feel terrible. As the years went on my self hatred and her self hatred got worse and so did the tension between us. (Mind you this started when we were 6) The guy she was in love with of course was in love with me. I felt so horrible because I had no love interest whatsoever in this boy, he was gross and like a brother to me. When we were teenagers I would always downplay my beauty and try not to look to cute around her so she wouldn't feel bad, she'd get so upset if we went out and all the guys would talk to me. I couldn't help it but I felt horrible. She wouldn't want to go places with me because she said I'd get all the attention. And wouldn't want me to meet her raggedy boyfriends because she thought they would like me, I have totally different taste and would never talk to my girl's crush. Anyway this may seem silly to you but as a result of this friendship I decided early on women were too much trouble and haven't made a girlfriend since. I've lived my whole life in the company of men, which is wonderful but it get tiring because eventually they fall in love with you and I can only juggle so many men at once. I put up with things from guys because they were my only friends.
My other insecurity stemmed from the same situation was that something was wrong with me is that I'm not worthy of too much of anything. Lately it’s gotten waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy worse. After I graduated from college in May is when I really noticed how bad I was. I feel unworthy of eating of taking a shower, of brushing my teeth, of washing my face, to use lotion or perfume, of taking care of my hair, skin and nails. It was so bad that when I'd finally convince myself to buy some lotion it would take me forever to figure out which one to buy and I'd feel guilty after buying it like I wasted my money. I hated and loathed my beauty because I really believed that it caused other people pain. I'm so embarrassed to say this sometimes I would go a few days without taking a shower because I couldn't bring myself to get in the tub. Sometimes I can't bring myself to wash my face for a week, when I'm at home I unconsciously wear the ugliest, most unattractive clothes possible...because that’s what I feel I deserve. As a result of these "ugly" thoughts my hair has broken off 6-8 inches for no apparent reason and this is the second time in my life that this happened. My face breaks out whenever I have to look really good for an event! When I got out of school it got sooooooo bad, I was a fashion major and one of the "celebrity fashionistas" on campus so you wouldn't catch me dead out in public looking a mess. I felt so trapped in my "image". Some days I didn't go to class or have to sneak around the back of the building if I didn't have anything to wear. All I would ever think about is if they only knew how ugly and pitiful I really am. And if they only knew my secret that I know everybody but I have no friends, I rarely washed my face; my toenail polish was chipped under my fly shoes.
Damn this shit is really pathetic! Anyway yesterday I was working on set and my friend told me it was the first time she's seen me without all my crazy makeup on! All I had on was a little mascara and some gloss; I wasn't even conscious and didn't feel terrible all day because I felt "ugly". I met this wonderful chick and we hung out all day! I was comfortable!!!! Comfortable around a woman, WOW! Since the game I've been realizing that the other half of the world has opened up to me and I guess I'm not so ugly after all. . Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my mom’s pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty, healthy relationships with women and a wonderful relationship with myself.
Okay so here goes all my dirty...well some of my...laundry out the bag. It’s insane how much of an effect a few words had on my life...well until now because I've made up a new story! Here goes my Pathetic Insecurity, this is so embarrassing but this is my healing.
My mom and her friends used to tease me about my big booty, and call me their only chocolate baby. I always thought I was perfect until they stirred up something in me that I had flaws. At that moment I began to believe there was something WRONG and different about me. I decided then that women were mean and vicious and didn't like me or my body. So naturally I began to be self conscious about my body, my beauty and of course hating my ass. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from the pain she had endured made it worse. As the years went on I got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is one of my greatest ASSets yes it needs a little toning but damn it’s gorgeous. Of course incidences in my life kept happening to re-affirm these beliefs. In kindergarten my classmate/close friend was so jealous because she thought I was prettier and smarter than her. To make it worse her father would always compare us and her why she didn't make as high grades as I did and wasn't as creative as I was. It hurt me so bad that I was the cause of her pain, I would feel terrible. As the years went on my self hatred and her self hatred got worse and so did the tension between us. (Mind you this started when we were 6) The guy she was in love with of course was in love with me. I felt so horrible because I had no love interest whatsoever in this boy, he was gross and like a brother to me. When we were teenagers I would always downplay my beauty and try not to look to cute around her so she wouldn't feel bad, she'd get so upset if we went out and all the guys would talk to me. I couldn't help it but I felt horrible. She wouldn't want to go places with me because she said I'd get all the attention. And wouldn't want me to meet her raggedy boyfriends because she thought they would like me, I have totally different taste and would never talk to my girl's crush. Anyway this may seem silly to you but as a result of this friendship I decided early on women were too much trouble and haven't made a girlfriend since. I've lived my whole life in the company of men, which is wonderful but it get tiring because eventually they fall in love with you and I can only juggle so many men at once. I put up with things from guys because they were my only friends.
My other insecurity stemmed from the same situation was that something was wrong with me is that I'm not worthy of too much of anything. Lately it’s gotten waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy worse. After I graduated from college in May is when I really noticed how bad I was. I feel unworthy of eating of taking a shower, of brushing my teeth, of washing my face, to use lotion or perfume, of taking care of my hair, skin and nails. It was so bad that when I'd finally convince myself to buy some lotion it would take me forever to figure out which one to buy and I'd feel guilty after buying it like I wasted my money. I hated and loathed my beauty because I really believed that it caused other people pain. I'm so embarrassed to say this sometimes I would go a few days without taking a shower because I couldn't bring myself to get in the tub. Sometimes I can't bring myself to wash my face for a week, when I'm at home I unconsciously wear the ugliest, most unattractive clothes possible...because that’s what I feel I deserve. As a result of these "ugly" thoughts my hair has broken off 6-8 inches for no apparent reason and this is the second time in my life that this happened. My face breaks out whenever I have to look really good for an event! When I got out of school it got sooooooo bad, I was a fashion major and one of the "celebrity fashionistas" on campus so you wouldn't catch me dead out in public looking a mess. I felt so trapped in my "image". Some days I didn't go to class or have to sneak around the back of the building if I didn't have anything to wear. All I would ever think about is if they only knew how ugly and pitiful I really am. And if they only knew my secret that I know everybody but I have no friends, I rarely washed my face; my toenail polish was chipped under my fly shoes.
Damn this shit is really pathetic! Anyway yesterday I was working on set and my friend told me it was the first time she's seen me without all my crazy makeup on! All I had on was a little mascara and some gloss; I wasn't even conscious and didn't feel terrible all day because I felt "ugly". I met this wonderful chick and we hung out all day! I was comfortable!!!! Comfortable around a woman, WOW! Since the game I've been realizing that the other half of the world has opened up to me and I guess I'm not so ugly after all. . Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my mom’s pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty, healthy relationships with women and a wonderful relationship with myself.
Monday, April 24, 2006
My Pathetic Insecurity
I am in my 4th week of Sarano Kelley’s The Game. And part of this week’s assignment is to identify your “Pathetic Insecurity”, to liberate it from the murky depths of shame and guilt and share it with the world. You know those one, two or three things that you zealously hide from everyone and spend your entire life and copious amounts of energy making sure that no one ever discovers about you. I been in this process of laying bare my soul, exposing myself layer by layer presenting all of the different aspects, components and degrees of the authentic Arletta Faheemah Saafir…but this is the last and perhaps most important thing…After this revelation is total liberation…so why is this so fuckin hard to do?. OK yall so here I go…
One of my earliest and most profound memories was that of when I was six or seven years old and my mother is sitting at the kitchen table in tears, crying about how she didn’t know how she was going to afford food for the week for us kids and whether or not the lights were going to be cut off. Now mind you, we never came close to being hungry and the lights were never cut off but her fear and sense of helplessness is what I witnessed and internalized.
In looking back on it, my mother, who married at 18 and by the time I was seven was 25 with four kids and another on the way probably had plenty of things that were worth crying about…but what I interpreted that incident to mean was that I was powerless. Powerless to offer any comfort or solace to my mother, helpless to change the situation, like I was a burden for being one of the mouths she had to feed (I was the oldest and felt especially responsible) and concluded that because it appeared that my mother couldn’t take care of and support herself that I as a female couldn’t and wasn’t supposed to be able to take care of myself wither. Amazing the conclusions we draw that wind up defining our lives
How I compensated for my “Pathetic Insecurity” of powerlessness was to cultivate an extremely powerful persona and personality. While the powerful personality was authentically mine, how I manifested it was as one of those females that up until very recently took pride in men finding me intimidating. This sense of powerlessness also became my ‘sacred wound’ in that since the age of ten have dedicated my life to the empowerment of women sans myself. J
My sense of helplessness and belief that I can’t and am not supposed to take care of and support myself has resulted in a pattern of intermittent employment, selecting of jobs and opportunities that had no long term career potential and experiencing either of two extremes where I was straight financially or absolutely and completly broke, relying on others for support and reinforcing my belief in my inability to support myself. All the while living with the daily, ever present fear of “never having enough money for food and that the lights were going to be cut off..” My perpetual shame and fear was that someone, anyone would discover this ugly, dirty truth about me, realize just how much of a failure and a fraud I was, “empowered woman” my ass, and reject me for the sorry female that I was. So I have spent the past five years after I finished school ducking and dodging this sordid reality of my life and having the perfect reason for keeping homiez, lovers and friends from ever getting too close. So there it is, my “Pathetic Insecurity”
I feel all raw, exposed and vulnerable now. While processing the relief I can now take full responsibility for choosing to release being a victim of my past beliefs and my creating a totally non-supportive reality for myself and embrace transforming my beliefs and reality where I am now creating a life experience where I am truly empowered, trusting of myself and trusting that I am absolutely supported and provided for by the universe. My “little girl” now feels safe and that she is taken care of for the first time and we are for the first time now liberated of my “Pathetic Insecurity.”
So what is your ”Pathetic Insecurity”???
I am in my 4th week of Sarano Kelley’s The Game. And part of this week’s assignment is to identify your “Pathetic Insecurity”, to liberate it from the murky depths of shame and guilt and share it with the world. You know those one, two or three things that you zealously hide from everyone and spend your entire life and copious amounts of energy making sure that no one ever discovers about you. I been in this process of laying bare my soul, exposing myself layer by layer presenting all of the different aspects, components and degrees of the authentic Arletta Faheemah Saafir…but this is the last and perhaps most important thing…After this revelation is total liberation…so why is this so fuckin hard to do?. OK yall so here I go…
One of my earliest and most profound memories was that of when I was six or seven years old and my mother is sitting at the kitchen table in tears, crying about how she didn’t know how she was going to afford food for the week for us kids and whether or not the lights were going to be cut off. Now mind you, we never came close to being hungry and the lights were never cut off but her fear and sense of helplessness is what I witnessed and internalized.
In looking back on it, my mother, who married at 18 and by the time I was seven was 25 with four kids and another on the way probably had plenty of things that were worth crying about…but what I interpreted that incident to mean was that I was powerless. Powerless to offer any comfort or solace to my mother, helpless to change the situation, like I was a burden for being one of the mouths she had to feed (I was the oldest and felt especially responsible) and concluded that because it appeared that my mother couldn’t take care of and support herself that I as a female couldn’t and wasn’t supposed to be able to take care of myself wither. Amazing the conclusions we draw that wind up defining our lives
How I compensated for my “Pathetic Insecurity” of powerlessness was to cultivate an extremely powerful persona and personality. While the powerful personality was authentically mine, how I manifested it was as one of those females that up until very recently took pride in men finding me intimidating. This sense of powerlessness also became my ‘sacred wound’ in that since the age of ten have dedicated my life to the empowerment of women sans myself. J
My sense of helplessness and belief that I can’t and am not supposed to take care of and support myself has resulted in a pattern of intermittent employment, selecting of jobs and opportunities that had no long term career potential and experiencing either of two extremes where I was straight financially or absolutely and completly broke, relying on others for support and reinforcing my belief in my inability to support myself. All the while living with the daily, ever present fear of “never having enough money for food and that the lights were going to be cut off..” My perpetual shame and fear was that someone, anyone would discover this ugly, dirty truth about me, realize just how much of a failure and a fraud I was, “empowered woman” my ass, and reject me for the sorry female that I was. So I have spent the past five years after I finished school ducking and dodging this sordid reality of my life and having the perfect reason for keeping homiez, lovers and friends from ever getting too close. So there it is, my “Pathetic Insecurity”
I feel all raw, exposed and vulnerable now. While processing the relief I can now take full responsibility for choosing to release being a victim of my past beliefs and my creating a totally non-supportive reality for myself and embrace transforming my beliefs and reality where I am now creating a life experience where I am truly empowered, trusting of myself and trusting that I am absolutely supported and provided for by the universe. My “little girl” now feels safe and that she is taken care of for the first time and we are for the first time now liberated of my “Pathetic Insecurity.”
So what is your ”Pathetic Insecurity”???
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
My love-hate relationship to my ASS!!
I realized last night the first moment i began to think something was "wrong" with my body. I was about four and my mother and her friend were teasing me about my big booty. I never noticed that anything was wrong with my body, I thought I was perfect as I was. Ever since then I felt really conscious about my ass (yes I curse a lot i'm being authentic). I HATED it and as i got older it got worse. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from her pain, made it worse. As the years went on i got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is my greatest ASSet but it needs a little toning. Anyway I've lost 21 lbs since January but my ass holds on to the extra fat. Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my moms pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty.
I realized last night the first moment i began to think something was "wrong" with my body. I was about four and my mother and her friend were teasing me about my big booty. I never noticed that anything was wrong with my body, I thought I was perfect as I was. Ever since then I felt really conscious about my ass (yes I curse a lot i'm being authentic). I HATED it and as i got older it got worse. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from her pain, made it worse. As the years went on i got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is my greatest ASSet but it needs a little toning. Anyway I've lost 21 lbs since January but my ass holds on to the extra fat. Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my moms pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty.
I realized last night the first moment i began to think something was "wrong" with my body. I was about four and my mother and her friend were teasing me about my big booty. I never noticed that anything was wrong with my body, I thought I was perfect as I was. Ever since then I felt really conscious about my ass (yes I curse a lot i'm being authentic). I HATED it and as i got older it got worse. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from her pain, made it worse. As the years went on i got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is my greatest ASSet but it needs a little toning. Anyway I've lost 21 lbs since January but my ass holds on to the extra fat. Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my moms pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
The Ultimate Weapon
This is time for a horrible, horrible confession. Now mind you I am the absolutely nicest person in the world. One of those ultra-diplomatic Libras who gets along with practically anyone and everyone. However I be just too damn nice, which led me to creating a relationship where I allowed my ex to disrespect me to no end, to not take me seriously, not do shit for me and rightfully assume (for a time) that I wasn’t going no damn where so he could continue with his bullshit. Fortunately I came to my senses and put into practice one of the things that my Mama did teach me about men that does work and that is if you are ending a relationship you MUST CEASE ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION with him so that both of you can truly get over each other and move on with your life.
We have some interesting circumstances so we aren’t divorced yet, just separated for over a year. Nevertheless I have had absolutely no communication with him for the past six months…Yay!!! And it has done wonders for his disposition, respect for me and even how he treats me. Let’s just say in his attempted communication with me he has become the nice, kind, respectful man that I thought I had married. And yes once again he does take me seriously.
So here is what happened. I was trying to call my sister-in-law for her birthday. And I couldn’t find her number anywhere. I called my two brother-in-laws and neither of them were available so I had no choice but to have my sister call my ex to get his sisters number so I can call her. Now mind you in the past six months I didn’t call him on Christmas, New Years, wish him Happy Birthday, send him Valentines greetings or anything so for me to have my sister call him to get his sisters number so I could call her on her birthday was kind of ridiculous.
I really didn’t know of any other way to get her number so of course I had no option but to do so. Anyways it just so happened that my ex had taken my sister-in-law and her friends out for her birthday and she was right there with him when I had my sister call so he just handed my sister-in-law the phone. So we are chit chatting, exchanging birthday greetings and everything and in the back of my mind I am thinking what is my ex thinking. Crazy shit has got to running through his head. And my sister-in-law who means well but just doesn’t understand the rules of being a smart nice bitch as opposed to a stupid nice bitch told me to hold on and put him on the phone.
Now being the nice girl that I am, I was like panicking. I mean what do I do??? I was trying to hand the phone to my sister and I heard him in the background saying that I wasn’t going to talk to him and my sister motioned to me to hang up and that is what I did. Man, I felt SOO BAD!!! I don’t think I have ever hung up on anyone. The only thing that might not make it so bad is that it was international calls randomly drop all the time and maybe he doesn’t know that I did hang up on him. But my ex knowing me probably knows that I really did hang up in his face.
I sat down for a second and was feeling all guilty and everything and then after a couple minutes, a big ole smile broke out on my face and I started cracking up about the irony of the situation. Man, the shit we females have to do sometimes just to restore respect in a relationship after giving our power away. Nevertheless the hang-up was necessary. I know that when I choose to talk to my ex again it will be on my terms and at my choosing for my benefit and this situation wasn’t the right time or the place.
So that is how I used the “Ultimate Weapon” the HANG-UP to make my point!!! I’m telling you girls, it works every time.
This is time for a horrible, horrible confession. Now mind you I am the absolutely nicest person in the world. One of those ultra-diplomatic Libras who gets along with practically anyone and everyone. However I be just too damn nice, which led me to creating a relationship where I allowed my ex to disrespect me to no end, to not take me seriously, not do shit for me and rightfully assume (for a time) that I wasn’t going no damn where so he could continue with his bullshit. Fortunately I came to my senses and put into practice one of the things that my Mama did teach me about men that does work and that is if you are ending a relationship you MUST CEASE ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION with him so that both of you can truly get over each other and move on with your life.
We have some interesting circumstances so we aren’t divorced yet, just separated for over a year. Nevertheless I have had absolutely no communication with him for the past six months…Yay!!! And it has done wonders for his disposition, respect for me and even how he treats me. Let’s just say in his attempted communication with me he has become the nice, kind, respectful man that I thought I had married. And yes once again he does take me seriously.
So here is what happened. I was trying to call my sister-in-law for her birthday. And I couldn’t find her number anywhere. I called my two brother-in-laws and neither of them were available so I had no choice but to have my sister call my ex to get his sisters number so I can call her. Now mind you in the past six months I didn’t call him on Christmas, New Years, wish him Happy Birthday, send him Valentines greetings or anything so for me to have my sister call him to get his sisters number so I could call her on her birthday was kind of ridiculous.
I really didn’t know of any other way to get her number so of course I had no option but to do so. Anyways it just so happened that my ex had taken my sister-in-law and her friends out for her birthday and she was right there with him when I had my sister call so he just handed my sister-in-law the phone. So we are chit chatting, exchanging birthday greetings and everything and in the back of my mind I am thinking what is my ex thinking. Crazy shit has got to running through his head. And my sister-in-law who means well but just doesn’t understand the rules of being a smart nice bitch as opposed to a stupid nice bitch told me to hold on and put him on the phone.
Now being the nice girl that I am, I was like panicking. I mean what do I do??? I was trying to hand the phone to my sister and I heard him in the background saying that I wasn’t going to talk to him and my sister motioned to me to hang up and that is what I did. Man, I felt SOO BAD!!! I don’t think I have ever hung up on anyone. The only thing that might not make it so bad is that it was international calls randomly drop all the time and maybe he doesn’t know that I did hang up on him. But my ex knowing me probably knows that I really did hang up in his face.
I sat down for a second and was feeling all guilty and everything and then after a couple minutes, a big ole smile broke out on my face and I started cracking up about the irony of the situation. Man, the shit we females have to do sometimes just to restore respect in a relationship after giving our power away. Nevertheless the hang-up was necessary. I know that when I choose to talk to my ex again it will be on my terms and at my choosing for my benefit and this situation wasn’t the right time or the place.
So that is how I used the “Ultimate Weapon” the HANG-UP to make my point!!! I’m telling you girls, it works every time.
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Monday, February 06, 2006
I Tried to Make it Work
I was born into a religion where every aspect of my existence was regulated by pre-existing rules. I was always the conscientious child and believed that I was supposed to be the most devout follower I could possibly be. I was never fanatical but devoted definitely. When I was a little girl I dutifully followed all of the rules without really questioning them and bought into the whole leader worship thing that was a part of my religious community’s experience.
Once I turned ten or eleven is when all hell broke loose. That was when I decided to start studying Islam for myself and it became so apparent and obvious that the way women were portrayed and all of the rules and restrictions and attitudes concerning women were at best not exactly female friendly and at worse downright hateful, misogynistic, insulting, oppressive and sexist. I was heartbroken. This was the religion that I was raised to love and while I was taught that I could ask questions about certain things the foundation or integrity of the religion could never be questioned. So I kept on studying, hoping to find some glimpse of the perceptions I had been given about the purported equality of women and men and the respect, liberation and protection that women were given in Islam that I had been taught and couldn’t find it.
Now that I was older I started observing our religious community and it was very obvious how women were denied a voice, not allowed to be leaders, were not respected and male authority and male prerogative were the order of the day. While it was the women who were the backbone of the community and performed all of the thankless and ignored tasks that kept the community functioning. First I was angry and resentful. Then I started thinking I was crazy because all of the women and girls I knew seemed perfectly content and satisfied, happy even at how they were treated and regarded by the men in the community. So then I concluded that something must be wrong with me.
You see in my community the approval of the community was everything. You acted the way you were supposed to, you said only what was acceptable and appropriate, you dressed in the way everyone would approve because community approval was of paramount importance. That along with the unspoken but binding agreement I had made with my parents that I would be the perfect Muslim child, made me feel trapped. After all I couldn’t possibly disappoint my parents, they would be so hurt and disappointed, especially my dad who I always strove to please. So I tried to define myself within the narrow confines of all of the rules and expectations and norms however oppressive they were to my heart and spirit.
It was daily struggle believe me. I have always been someone intensely involved with personal freedom and expression, basic human equality of male and females and mutual respect among people. My way of coping after realizing the male bias and sexist application and understanding of Islam was to try and become knowledgeable as possible in Islam and the teachings of our leader so that at least when I did interact with men in the community they would respect my intelligence. Much to my disappointment it didn’t matter how much I knew or how knowledgeable I was because I was female I was automatically discounted.
Every time I would read the Quran, and there is so much of beauty and wisdom in the book, lurking in the back of my mind were the verses that left wide open and were so often used as a source and validation of the oppression and suppression of women and the misogynistic attitude towards anything female. I began to hate to read the Quran because of the constant conflict and turmoil I went experienced. And the more I tried to distance myself from being the despised, voiceless, powerless female the more alienated I became from my true feminine source. I would constantly question Allah, as to why did he make me female if it meant feeling such oppression and humiliation while practicing the religion that I had committed myself to following.
And then there little things that I did which I could not do so freely and be accepted by the community such as my writing and poetry which I could never read at a Muslim event, and my love of dance, and my wanting to swim and play basketball and couldn’t do so because of the clothing requirements or lack thereof and my total fascination with the occult, metaphysical and paranormal. The intuitive sense I’ve had since I was a teenager that I had been here many lifetimes and would often experience glimpses of previous lives and experiences and my innate knowing that I was born a healer and my clairvoyant ability that only increased with time along with my utter fascination and absorption with space and astronomy and this sense that I hadn’t always lived on this planet. And my sensuality as my source of feminine power, always lurking beneath the surface threatening to rear her powerful face that violated everything I had ever been taught about being a Muslim woman. There simply was no room for so much of who I was and am in Islam, especially how it is understood and practiced.
There was some alleviation of the pressure when I discovered feminism in my early twenties. Even when I was teenager I was always drawn to feminism but shied away because I was afraid of the truth I would have to face about the sexism in Islam. By my twenties I didn’t care although I still was scared to openly call myself a feminist and a Muslim. But feminism didn’t satisfy this understanding that there were whole aspects of myself I didn’t even allow myself to explore because they didn’t even exist in an Islamic context.
Finally now that I am in my thirties I have enough personal integrity and love of self to embrace all of me and trust my spirit and intuition wherever it may lead me and be true to myself. The paths I have been drawn to and the experiences and information I have encountered have been interesting, crazy and exhilarating but most importantly liberating and for the first time I am learning how to be my authentic self and trust in the guidance I receive and if it makes sense in an Islamic context that is fine. If it doesn’t that is fine also as long as it is true for me.
I still believe in the parts of Islam that honor my soul and my truth, the things that don’t I no longer concern myself with. Labels are beginning to matter less and less to me and in many ways I still consider myself Muslim but at this point in my journey is no longer even that important. For years and years I tried. valiantly doing everything I was supposed to do to as a Muslim woman but Islam wasn’t big enough to contain all of me. It could only contain some parts of myself. And for where I am in my journey I tried to make it work but it didn’t work for me.
UNLEASHED & MOONIEZSecrets are sponsored by MOONIEZ, Inc. At MOONIEZ, Inc. we provide the avenue for women to awaken her sensuality and feminine power through our exclusive, limited edition, custom fit, fabulous clothes and accessories. MOONIEZ, Inc. is the collective vision of four dynamic and exceptionally talented sisters whose mission is “Unleashing Irresistible Sensuality”. We at MOONIEZ excitedly anticipate sharing our vision with the world. Look for MOONIEZ coming soon to your favorite fine boutiques and department stores everywhere Spring 2007.
Stupid Nice Bitch
Why is it that folks, especially other women, expect you to be particularly nice to people who have done you wrong? I am still cool with my ex’s family and his sister had asked me if I was going to call him on his birthday. Now the old me would have felt obligated to do it because I always had to be the “stupid nice bitch” although to do so would be seriously disrespecting myself. Thankfully that female is dead and long gone and the new me was like “no I have no intention whatsoever of calling him on his birthday.” My ex has been on my ‘silent treatment’ list for the past five months or so and life has been wonderful without his presence in it. By ‘silent treatment’ I mean I absolutely do not allow any communication from him and any business that we need to take care of is done through a third party. Perfect…So if any of you ladies out there have ever wanted to regain your power back in a controlling and abusive relationship the ‘silent treatment’ is the perfect way to go. Nothing gets to a controlling man like being denied all access to you. Yay!!! So anyways, the more I started thinking about it the madder I became. Not only did my ex have the opportunity to do nice things for me the three years we were married. You know basic type shit like calling me regularly…we were in a long distance relationship... and I had to literally beg him to call me, to sending me card for Valentine’s or my birthday. Gifts were out of the question and asking to far too much of my husband. To maybe even buying me, his wife a ring. Which he said wasn’t necessary to show that you were married. To promising to send me money for medical expenses and never coming through with no explanation, and the list goes on and on and on and on. Now looking back on everything, the only reason why my list of how many ways he was an an asshole is soo long is that I choose to stay with him as long as I did and I take full responsibility for that. But please tell me why the hell would I or am I supposed to be nice and do something that you do for people you love and care about, who love and care about you like call them on their birthday to someone who doesn’t fall in any of those categories. My sister in law then asked me if we, me and my ex, were friends. And that brings me to question number two? Why do folks, especially other women, expect you to be friends with men who have treated you like shit. I told her no, he was not my friend and that I have no desire to have anyone in my life who doesn’t treat me wonderfully. She then said that we shouldn’t be enemies. Now my ex isn’t hardly my enemy, he may be pretty much a non-entity in my life outside of the remaining business we have to resolve, but enemy no. I told her that I wish him the best and I sincerely do, but have him in my life…hell naw. For what? So that I can give him more opportunities to treat me like shit. No thank you. So I have been enjoying no longer being a “Stupid Nice Bitch.” I enjoy being my normal nice self to the vast majority of people who are cool and decent folks but I no longer feel obligated to be nice to someone who is not nice to me. I don’t have to be a bitch to them, unless of course I choose to do so. And in all my interactions I maintain my authenticity, and make damn sure I honor and respect myself. It was a long journey to get back to the place where I could look myself in the mirror and not feel shame over the way I let my ex treat me. But I have arrived yall, I have arrived!!! I got my power back. And there is no turning back. Later for the “Stupid Nice Bitch”.
UNLEASHED & MOONIEZSecrets are sponsored by MOONIEZ, Inc. At MOONIEZ, Inc. we provide the avenue for women to awaken her sensuality and feminine power through our exclusive, limited edition, custom fit, fabulous clothes and accessories. MOONIEZ, Inc. is the collective vision of four dynamic and exceptionally talented sisters whose mission is “Unleashing Irresistible Sensuality”. We at MOONIEZ excitedly anticipate sharing our vision with the world. Look for MOONIEZ coming soon to your favorite fine boutiques and department stores everywhere Spring 2007.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Calling all UNLEASHED, IRRESISTIBLE, SENSUAL Women
We know you have personal stories, adventures and tales that you want to share with everyone where you emerged victorious and EMPOWERED from your lessons in love, lust and life and we want to bring your stories to the world.
We are the UNLEASHED Blog at www.UnleashedWoman.blogspot.com. The “Cosmo” for the Fun, Sexy and Empowered Female. All submissions are anonymous, unless otherwise requested.
Submit your entries to UNLEASHED to
Attn: Arletta at theUnleashedWoman@yahoo.com.
We are the UNLEASHED Blog at www.UnleashedWoman.blogspot.com. The “Cosmo” for the Fun, Sexy and Empowered Female. All submissions are anonymous, unless otherwise requested.
Submit your entries to UNLEASHED to
Attn: Arletta at theUnleashedWoman@yahoo.com.
We are excited about hearing from you!!!
Also be sure to check out our sister blog MOONIEZ “Secrets to Irresistible Sensuality” at http://www.mooniezsecrets.blogspot.com/.
UNLEASHED & MOONIEZSecrets are sponsored by MOONIEZ, Inc. At MOONIEZ, Inc. we provide the avenue for women to awaken her sensuality and feminine power through our exclusive, limited edition, custom fit, fabulous clothes and accessories. MOONIEZ, Inc. is the collective vision of four dynamic and exceptionally talented sisters whose mission is “Unleashing Irresistible Sensuality”. We at MOONIEZ excitedly anticipate sharing our vision with the world. Look for MOONIEZ coming soon to your favorite fine boutiques and department stores everywhere Spring 2007.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
My First Vibrator
I had been married for a little over three years and had just separated from my husband all three years of our marriage the whole time I was married my husband and I lived apart literally on separate continents. During the three years we only saw each other twice and it goes without saying that being celibate AND married was a motherf**ka. So by the time I had come to my senses and realized my marriage was not working and to call it quits, the reality of exactly how sexually deprived and frustrated I was came crashing down on me. Believe it or not, although I consented to a transcontinental marriage where I saw my husband every year and a half, I really did love him and so the awareness of just how horny I was along with no immediate prospects came right in the middle of dealing with my grief over getting a divorce. I wasn't in the right space to go and get a fuck partner and another relationship just wasn't happening. Everything was too raw and I was still too vulnerable but it didn't stop the hormones from raging so I realized that it was high time I showed my body some love, especially after all of the denial she had gone through and take care of her needs and buy my first vibrator. Now for those of you who are experienced sex toy aficionados with a nice collection of pleasure objects this may seem no big deal but for me it was huge. I had first tried going to my local "Lotions and Lace" store, but must confess to being a whole lot embarrassed to be in the store in the first place and then overwhelmed at the sheer variety vibrators, dildos and accessories. Some of the toys were downright scary looking and looked to provide more pain and not the pleasurable kind pain either, than pleasure, not to mention expensive. So I left "Lotions and Lace" empty handed and of course still horny. I then decided to do some research and while at work, in between doing research for one of my projects, I surfed the web for vibrators from women friendly sex toy sites. Fortunately I had my own private office and didn’t have to worry about someone glancing at my computer screen while I did my vibrator research. Imagine trying to explain that to your boss. Fortunately, I came across several sites that were very helpful and one in particular, My Pleasure, at www.mypleasure.com was great. The My Pleasure stated that the all woman staff tested all of their products and each review of the product was written from personal experience. I finally settled on a waterproof, grey silicon, battery powered vibrator that had a nifty little indentation that fit right over your clit and could also be inserted if you choose and had a nice knob to stimulate your G-spot. So I placed my order, thank God for the anonymity of the internet because the whole idea of owning a vibrator was kinda scary yet must I admit it was fun being a little bit naughty for a change and with a mixture of excitement and apprehension counted down the days until it came. Finally it arrived at my P.O. Box, in the discreet box just like they promised, because I was riding with my sister at the time I didn't open it until I got home. Me pulling out my new vibe and showing my sister my new toy just wasn't going to happen. When I opened it up I was relieved that it wasn't all that scary looking. I then hunted down some batteries and it was on. Let’s just say that my first vibrator induced orgasm(s) were amazing and took the possibilities of self pleasure to a whole nother level. Needless to say I was more than pleased and very, very satisfied with my purchase. The vibrator literally hit the spot and was exactly what I needed at the time. While my "vibe" as I affectionately call her doesn't replace a nice, warm, male body, it is the perfect alternative and sometimes the preferred option, not to mention oh so dependable, reliable, never gets tired and is ALWAYS hard while providing with me with as many orgasms as I can stand. A truly wonderful thing I tell you. I now agree that a vibrator is essential for every woman and that all women should have access to pleasure on demand. We all have those times when a man is just too much of a hassle, is not available or simply isn't preferred and a trusty vibe just what you need to hit the spot every time. So I end my story a well pleased woman and a quite satisfied one too.
I had been married for a little over three years and had just separated from my husband all three years of our marriage the whole time I was married my husband and I lived apart literally on separate continents. During the three years we only saw each other twice and it goes without saying that being celibate AND married was a motherf**ka. So by the time I had come to my senses and realized my marriage was not working and to call it quits, the reality of exactly how sexually deprived and frustrated I was came crashing down on me. Believe it or not, although I consented to a transcontinental marriage where I saw my husband every year and a half, I really did love him and so the awareness of just how horny I was along with no immediate prospects came right in the middle of dealing with my grief over getting a divorce. I wasn't in the right space to go and get a fuck partner and another relationship just wasn't happening. Everything was too raw and I was still too vulnerable but it didn't stop the hormones from raging so I realized that it was high time I showed my body some love, especially after all of the denial she had gone through and take care of her needs and buy my first vibrator. Now for those of you who are experienced sex toy aficionados with a nice collection of pleasure objects this may seem no big deal but for me it was huge. I had first tried going to my local "Lotions and Lace" store, but must confess to being a whole lot embarrassed to be in the store in the first place and then overwhelmed at the sheer variety vibrators, dildos and accessories. Some of the toys were downright scary looking and looked to provide more pain and not the pleasurable kind pain either, than pleasure, not to mention expensive. So I left "Lotions and Lace" empty handed and of course still horny. I then decided to do some research and while at work, in between doing research for one of my projects, I surfed the web for vibrators from women friendly sex toy sites. Fortunately I had my own private office and didn’t have to worry about someone glancing at my computer screen while I did my vibrator research. Imagine trying to explain that to your boss. Fortunately, I came across several sites that were very helpful and one in particular, My Pleasure, at www.mypleasure.com was great. The My Pleasure stated that the all woman staff tested all of their products and each review of the product was written from personal experience. I finally settled on a waterproof, grey silicon, battery powered vibrator that had a nifty little indentation that fit right over your clit and could also be inserted if you choose and had a nice knob to stimulate your G-spot. So I placed my order, thank God for the anonymity of the internet because the whole idea of owning a vibrator was kinda scary yet must I admit it was fun being a little bit naughty for a change and with a mixture of excitement and apprehension counted down the days until it came. Finally it arrived at my P.O. Box, in the discreet box just like they promised, because I was riding with my sister at the time I didn't open it until I got home. Me pulling out my new vibe and showing my sister my new toy just wasn't going to happen. When I opened it up I was relieved that it wasn't all that scary looking. I then hunted down some batteries and it was on. Let’s just say that my first vibrator induced orgasm(s) were amazing and took the possibilities of self pleasure to a whole nother level. Needless to say I was more than pleased and very, very satisfied with my purchase. The vibrator literally hit the spot and was exactly what I needed at the time. While my "vibe" as I affectionately call her doesn't replace a nice, warm, male body, it is the perfect alternative and sometimes the preferred option, not to mention oh so dependable, reliable, never gets tired and is ALWAYS hard while providing with me with as many orgasms as I can stand. A truly wonderful thing I tell you. I now agree that a vibrator is essential for every woman and that all women should have access to pleasure on demand. We all have those times when a man is just too much of a hassle, is not available or simply isn't preferred and a trusty vibe just what you need to hit the spot every time. So I end my story a well pleased woman and a quite satisfied one too.
UNLEASHED & MOONIEZSecrets are sponsored by MOONIEZ, Inc. At MOONIEZ, Inc. we provide the avenue for women to awaken her sensuality and feminine power through our exclusive, limited edition, custom fit, fabulous clothes and accessories. MOONIEZ, Inc. is the collective vision of four dynamic and exceptionally talented sisters whose mission is “Unleashing Irresistible Sensuality”. We at MOONIEZ excitedly anticipate sharing our vision with the world. Look for MOONIEZ coming soon to your favorite fine boutiques and department stores everywhere Spring 2007.
