Monday, April 24, 2006
My Pathetic Insecurity
I am in my 4th week of Sarano Kelley’s The Game. And part of this week’s assignment is to identify your “Pathetic Insecurity”, to liberate it from the murky depths of shame and guilt and share it with the world. You know those one, two or three things that you zealously hide from everyone and spend your entire life and copious amounts of energy making sure that no one ever discovers about you. I been in this process of laying bare my soul, exposing myself layer by layer presenting all of the different aspects, components and degrees of the authentic Arletta Faheemah Saafir…but this is the last and perhaps most important thing…After this revelation is total liberation…so why is this so fuckin hard to do?. OK yall so here I go…
One of my earliest and most profound memories was that of when I was six or seven years old and my mother is sitting at the kitchen table in tears, crying about how she didn’t know how she was going to afford food for the week for us kids and whether or not the lights were going to be cut off. Now mind you, we never came close to being hungry and the lights were never cut off but her fear and sense of helplessness is what I witnessed and internalized.
In looking back on it, my mother, who married at 18 and by the time I was seven was 25 with four kids and another on the way probably had plenty of things that were worth crying about…but what I interpreted that incident to mean was that I was powerless. Powerless to offer any comfort or solace to my mother, helpless to change the situation, like I was a burden for being one of the mouths she had to feed (I was the oldest and felt especially responsible) and concluded that because it appeared that my mother couldn’t take care of and support herself that I as a female couldn’t and wasn’t supposed to be able to take care of myself wither. Amazing the conclusions we draw that wind up defining our lives
How I compensated for my “Pathetic Insecurity” of powerlessness was to cultivate an extremely powerful persona and personality. While the powerful personality was authentically mine, how I manifested it was as one of those females that up until very recently took pride in men finding me intimidating. This sense of powerlessness also became my ‘sacred wound’ in that since the age of ten have dedicated my life to the empowerment of women sans myself. J
My sense of helplessness and belief that I can’t and am not supposed to take care of and support myself has resulted in a pattern of intermittent employment, selecting of jobs and opportunities that had no long term career potential and experiencing either of two extremes where I was straight financially or absolutely and completly broke, relying on others for support and reinforcing my belief in my inability to support myself. All the while living with the daily, ever present fear of “never having enough money for food and that the lights were going to be cut off..” My perpetual shame and fear was that someone, anyone would discover this ugly, dirty truth about me, realize just how much of a failure and a fraud I was, “empowered woman” my ass, and reject me for the sorry female that I was. So I have spent the past five years after I finished school ducking and dodging this sordid reality of my life and having the perfect reason for keeping homiez, lovers and friends from ever getting too close. So there it is, my “Pathetic Insecurity”
I feel all raw, exposed and vulnerable now. While processing the relief I can now take full responsibility for choosing to release being a victim of my past beliefs and my creating a totally non-supportive reality for myself and embrace transforming my beliefs and reality where I am now creating a life experience where I am truly empowered, trusting of myself and trusting that I am absolutely supported and provided for by the universe. My “little girl” now feels safe and that she is taken care of for the first time and we are for the first time now liberated of my “Pathetic Insecurity.”
So what is your ”Pathetic Insecurity”???
I am in my 4th week of Sarano Kelley’s The Game. And part of this week’s assignment is to identify your “Pathetic Insecurity”, to liberate it from the murky depths of shame and guilt and share it with the world. You know those one, two or three things that you zealously hide from everyone and spend your entire life and copious amounts of energy making sure that no one ever discovers about you. I been in this process of laying bare my soul, exposing myself layer by layer presenting all of the different aspects, components and degrees of the authentic Arletta Faheemah Saafir…but this is the last and perhaps most important thing…After this revelation is total liberation…so why is this so fuckin hard to do?. OK yall so here I go…
One of my earliest and most profound memories was that of when I was six or seven years old and my mother is sitting at the kitchen table in tears, crying about how she didn’t know how she was going to afford food for the week for us kids and whether or not the lights were going to be cut off. Now mind you, we never came close to being hungry and the lights were never cut off but her fear and sense of helplessness is what I witnessed and internalized.
In looking back on it, my mother, who married at 18 and by the time I was seven was 25 with four kids and another on the way probably had plenty of things that were worth crying about…but what I interpreted that incident to mean was that I was powerless. Powerless to offer any comfort or solace to my mother, helpless to change the situation, like I was a burden for being one of the mouths she had to feed (I was the oldest and felt especially responsible) and concluded that because it appeared that my mother couldn’t take care of and support herself that I as a female couldn’t and wasn’t supposed to be able to take care of myself wither. Amazing the conclusions we draw that wind up defining our lives
How I compensated for my “Pathetic Insecurity” of powerlessness was to cultivate an extremely powerful persona and personality. While the powerful personality was authentically mine, how I manifested it was as one of those females that up until very recently took pride in men finding me intimidating. This sense of powerlessness also became my ‘sacred wound’ in that since the age of ten have dedicated my life to the empowerment of women sans myself. J
My sense of helplessness and belief that I can’t and am not supposed to take care of and support myself has resulted in a pattern of intermittent employment, selecting of jobs and opportunities that had no long term career potential and experiencing either of two extremes where I was straight financially or absolutely and completly broke, relying on others for support and reinforcing my belief in my inability to support myself. All the while living with the daily, ever present fear of “never having enough money for food and that the lights were going to be cut off..” My perpetual shame and fear was that someone, anyone would discover this ugly, dirty truth about me, realize just how much of a failure and a fraud I was, “empowered woman” my ass, and reject me for the sorry female that I was. So I have spent the past five years after I finished school ducking and dodging this sordid reality of my life and having the perfect reason for keeping homiez, lovers and friends from ever getting too close. So there it is, my “Pathetic Insecurity”
I feel all raw, exposed and vulnerable now. While processing the relief I can now take full responsibility for choosing to release being a victim of my past beliefs and my creating a totally non-supportive reality for myself and embrace transforming my beliefs and reality where I am now creating a life experience where I am truly empowered, trusting of myself and trusting that I am absolutely supported and provided for by the universe. My “little girl” now feels safe and that she is taken care of for the first time and we are for the first time now liberated of my “Pathetic Insecurity.”
So what is your ”Pathetic Insecurity”???
