Unleashed

Halimah's Pathetic Insecurity

Okay so here goes all my dirty...well some of my...laundry out the bag. It’s insane how much of an effect a few words had on my life...well until now because I've made up a new story! Here goes my Pathetic Insecurity, this is so embarrassing but this is my healing.

My mom and her friends used to tease me about my big booty, and call me their only chocolate baby. I always thought I was perfect until they stirred up something in me that I had flaws. At that moment I began to believe there was something WRONG and different about me. I decided then that women were mean and vicious and didn't like me or my body. So naturally I began to be self conscious about my body, my beauty and of course hating my ass. My mom's constant hurtful comments because she hated her own body and was trying to protect me from the pain she had endured made it worse. As the years went on I got stretch marks, scars and everything else on my ass???? I grew to have this love hate relationship with my ass....our relationship is quite complex. My ass is one of my greatest ASSets yes it needs a little toning but damn it’s gorgeous. Of course incidences in my life kept happening to re-affirm these beliefs. In kindergarten my classmate/close friend was so jealous because she thought I was prettier and smarter than her. To make it worse her father would always compare us and her why she didn't make as high grades as I did and wasn't as creative as I was. It hurt me so bad that I was the cause of her pain, I would feel terrible. As the years went on my self hatred and her self hatred got worse and so did the tension between us. (Mind you this started when we were 6) The guy she was in love with of course was in love with me. I felt so horrible because I had no love interest whatsoever in this boy, he was gross and like a brother to me. When we were teenagers I would always downplay my beauty and try not to look to cute around her so she wouldn't feel bad, she'd get so upset if we went out and all the guys would talk to me. I couldn't help it but I felt horrible. She wouldn't want to go places with me because she said I'd get all the attention. And wouldn't want me to meet her raggedy boyfriends because she thought they would like me, I have totally different taste and would never talk to my girl's crush. Anyway this may seem silly to you but as a result of this friendship I decided early on women were too much trouble and haven't made a girlfriend since. I've lived my whole life in the company of men, which is wonderful but it get tiring because eventually they fall in love with you and I can only juggle so many men at once. I put up with things from guys because they were my only friends.
My other insecurity stemmed from the same situation was that something was wrong with me is that I'm not worthy of too much of anything. Lately it’s gotten waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy worse. After I graduated from college in May is when I really noticed how bad I was. I feel unworthy of eating of taking a shower, of brushing my teeth, of washing my face, to use lotion or perfume, of taking care of my hair, skin and nails. It was so bad that when I'd finally convince myself to buy some lotion it would take me forever to figure out which one to buy and I'd feel guilty after buying it like I wasted my money. I hated and loathed my beauty because I really believed that it caused other people pain. I'm so embarrassed to say this sometimes I would go a few days without taking a shower because I couldn't bring myself to get in the tub. Sometimes I can't bring myself to wash my face for a week, when I'm at home I unconsciously wear the ugliest, most unattractive clothes possible...because that’s what I feel I deserve. As a result of these "ugly" thoughts my hair has broken off 6-8 inches for no apparent reason and this is the second time in my life that this happened. My face breaks out whenever I have to look really good for an event! When I got out of school it got sooooooo bad, I was a fashion major and one of the "celebrity fashionistas" on campus so you wouldn't catch me dead out in public looking a mess. I felt so trapped in my "image". Some days I didn't go to class or have to sneak around the back of the building if I didn't have anything to wear. All I would ever think about is if they only knew how ugly and pitiful I really am. And if they only knew my secret that I know everybody but I have no friends, I rarely washed my face; my toenail polish was chipped under my fly shoes.
Damn this shit is really pathetic! Anyway yesterday I was working on set and my friend told me it was the first time she's seen me without all my crazy makeup on! All I had on was a little mascara and some gloss; I wasn't even conscious and didn't feel terrible all day because I felt "ugly". I met this wonderful chick and we hung out all day! I was comfortable!!!! Comfortable around a woman, WOW! Since the game I've been realizing that the other half of the world has opened up to me and I guess I'm not so ugly after all. . Well I decided to stop punishing myself by having this as a reason to feel ugly and bad about myself and catering to my mom’s pain. I commit to having a great relationship to my big pretty booty, healthy relationships with women and a wonderful relationship with myself.