Unleashed

Born and bred a devout Muslim for most of my life. The whole focus in my life was avoiding men and relationships and sex at all costs. My earliest memories were that Muslims don't have boyfriends. So growing up, the word boy friend was akin to a curse word and I must confess to being afraid of thinking the word boyfriend in my head let alone using the word in reference to my life. I was taught that holding a man's hand was not allowed, kissing was strictly taboo and dating was a straight path to hell. The expectation was that you avoid any and all relationships and then one day by some crazy miracle you miraculously meet the love of your life. Actually love or even like didn’t have anything to do with it. The only criteria for suitable mate material was if the guy were Muslim or not and if they belonged to my particular cult-like community. And if you found him attractive you were lucky, if he was cute then you must have racked up a lot of good deeds and good favor with Allah. So if and when this miracle occurred you were to get to know this person but not too well. A short engagement was preferred because anything longer than a couple of months and you were bound to have sex and of course that was forbidden. Of course there was no casual dating so when you met this person it had to be someone that you were interested in marrying. How you were supposed to know automatically that you were interested in marrying them I was never told. But there was no such thing as just liking a guy and getting to know them because sex was to be avoided at all cost. And then when you get to know them with them it was only limited phone conversation...no hot and steamy late night conversations. While living at home I was not allowed to talk to any guy on the phone. If you wanted to see your potential husband in person it could never be alone and must be in the presence of a chaperone otherwise it was assumed that sex was bound to happen.

Needless to say I spent most of my twenties avoiding relationships, running from any and every possible encounter or situation were sex was even remotely likely too happen. As a result I had a very healthy attitude about sex was comfortable with my sexuality and little or not hang-ups about expressing myself...NOTT!!!!. Yeah right…. Actually I spent all of my time and energy on suppressing my desire to be in a relationship and repressing my sexuality. No one ever satisfactorily explained to me how you were supposed to go from running from and avoiding relationships and sex at all cost to suddenly miraculously flipping the script and becoming some vivacious, sensual, sexually confident and yes experienced sex goddess on your wedding night. It was enough pressure to give drive you anyone crazy and I wonder why I was so stressed. The clincher would be when I would here young Muslim men insisting that they wanted to marry an "experienced" virgin. You know the kind somehow through osmosis absorb how to please a man and of course give good head for those who were orally inclined.

So after 26 years of insanity, denial, repression and no remote potential husbands in sight I decided that it was just too much, that I had had enough and it was time to take charge and ownership of my own sexuality. The weirdest thing though was that while a devout Muslim, who firmly believed in abstinence before marriage I was quite at ease in my conscious when I decided that being a virgin and all of the effort I had been exerting on avoiding sex and relationships and keeping men at a distance was just a tad bit crazy, insane and was causing me more harm than good. By this time I was in my first relationship at 26...wow...to my friends who weren’t Muslim he was actually the B-word...my boyfriend...and to my Muslim peoples well I just kinda acted like he didn’t exist, kept him under wraps and lived in constant fear of someone ostracizing me because for the first time I was in a relationship. You couldn’t imagine the hell I put myself through...but that is another story....and of course every time my boyfriend would say that I acted like I was ashamed of him, I would naturally deny, deny, deny. But sad but true he was right. In my world everything is all about pleasing my parents and the ubiquitous, sinister monolith...THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY. So while I really felt right with God I was scared of everyone else.

It was crazy though because along with the suppression and fear I had associated with sex and the pressure of being a virgin until marriage I had the secret shame of being a 26 year old virgin. I mean not only was I a virgin but I had never kissed a guy, never held a guy's hand and the closest I had ever gotten was a hug and those were very limited. Hugs being a forbidden thing among Muslim men and women and only with my friends who weren’t Muslim. So in my shame I even concocted a whole imaginary sexual history with my boyfriend. I mean I had it down to the number of partners I had had, my favorite positions and experiences...thank God for a lively imagination and for the sex section at Barnes and Nobles. My reasoning for not telling my boyfriend the truth was that it was really none of his business and that I didn't want him to treat me differently. The truth was that I was scared, ashamed and felt extremely inadequate and woefully inexperienced. So now came the time for my deflowering or devirginizing...or whatever ridiculous term men have come up with....My experience actually was a gradual process and I was blessed to have chosen the most patient, attentive and understanding partner possible all the while maintaining my facade of a normal sexually experienced woman who had chosen to remain celibate for the past year or so.

When I look back on it now it seems utterly ridiculous the changes I put myself through but finally I was officially deflowered. And talking about someone who was excited and relieved and wanted to celebrate and tell the world and most importantly was profoundly grateful. Not to mention my wonder at the level of peace I felt at choosing to disobey Allah and how comforatable I felt. I guess I was a sinful, unrepentant hypocrite. Yet for the first time in my life I took control of my own sexuality, followed the dictates of my intuitive knowing and found peace and the beginning of liberation. And that is my confession